I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
