i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
