this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
