Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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