my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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