morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
