dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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