Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
