my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
