Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
