Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
