Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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