i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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