My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
