Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
