I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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