Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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