I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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