so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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