Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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