This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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