You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize