At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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