there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
