Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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