Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
