Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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