There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
