i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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