So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
