you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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