Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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