Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
