I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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