your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
