you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
