Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
