It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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