no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
