I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
