i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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