it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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