Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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