it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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