You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
