This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
