yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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