I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
