Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
