You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
