well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
