She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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