he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
