When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
