somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
