Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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