nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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