Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
