Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
